I’m a meta-physician. I believe that Jesus the Christ was very good at being a meta-physician. He wasn’t a Christian since there were no Christian churches. He was probably a more advanced spiritual being wearing a meat suit like us, and more closely aligned with the universal mind than us.
I’m doing my best right now with not knowing what comes next in my life. So, during the night as I sleep, I’m listening to a white lady who helps me by saying positive affirmations to me because the universe doesn’t want me to go down the drain by hating white people. I have to consider that they, and black people like my brother, who is as asleep as anyone ensnared in the dominant culture’s earth-destroying mutant capitalism, might someday attempt to awaken to their white supremacy, toxic masculinity and other traumas, and are as ‘only human’ as I am as they struggle with their unearned privilege.
Sometimes I wonder, how do I keep doing this? Yesterday I went to the dentist. I have a team of dentists fixing my bite. White dentists. Psychologically, I don’t know how to hold beneficiaries of white supremacy who are making it possible for me to chew coleslaw again.
I’m torn, like my red ants. Except that I’m not eating a dead mare. But I am learning something as the universal consciousness is expanding as me. As I remember and then forget… god, they are everywhere. I don’t even see the microaggressions… Really?! How do you know that? I don’t know how I know it I’m just smarter than you are said me never because stating the obvious is a black hole of an energy drain. Oh yes, I remember. I’m summoning people places and things to me. I’m learning to walk.
Since I had to say something up there on the graduation stage for their ‘life transformation program’ I said this. I had to because we need to do everything the missionaries want us to do or bounce. They get a lot out of working and volunteering at this place with us. All heart warmed and such.
CEO Bram cried and I don’t know why. I can’t figure him out since he’s not half crazy like the black missionaries or fragile like the white ones.
So, here is what I said. Or intended to say.
When I first came here, I had been living in several insecure housemate situations that deteriorated into a frantic year of couch surfing alone.
The reason for my being here? There are two levels to my understanding. On one level there are the facts, and on another there is the truth. The facts are that the housing market is unlivable for many of us. I am black and female and my father did not like what he saw when came out of my mother’s womb, and he sometimes made a joke out of that. As much as I try to fight it, my early childhood experiences of being “less than” seeped into my consciousness, as it does for many of us.
My beliefs affected how life presented itself to me as in Proverbs 23:7 For as a man thinketh in his heart, so is he is
Those are some facts.
The truth is that I came into this life on a mission. I came to take a journey of learning and understanding of who and whose I am. About 15 or 20 years ago, I pleaded with what I called the universal spirit, which is God, To unblind my eyes and in the year that I spent here, crucial layers of blindness fell away, layers that affected how I saw myself were removed as I had revelations. I understood the impact of what I had been through early in life. Once anyone sees what is before them, their power over us is no longer.The negative emotions attached to these things fall away.
I learned after reading Job that just because I am going through something , or had gone through something, it doesn’t mean that I am automatically at fault.
Job 1:8
And the Lord said to Satan, “Have you considered my servant Job, that there is none like him on the earth, a blameless and upright man, who fears God and turns away from evil?”
There is a “happiness only” belief system fueled by capitalism in the dominant culture that is actually a killer of any true joy and happiness. I am now accepting that suffering, especially early on has nothing to do with any innate flaw in me. I no longer need be angry.
You clothed me with skin and flesh, and knit me together with bones and sinews. You have granted me life and steadfast love, and your care has preserved my spirit.- Job 10:11-12
Of course, I look forward to having my cat back after two years, her curled up on my couch, or sitting on the kitchen floor, staring at me as I cook healthy food from scratch.
A room of my own. Me writing again.
Psalm 27
1 The Lord is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear? the Lord is the strength of my life; of whom shall I be afraid?
2 When the wicked, even mine enemies and my foes, came upon me to eat up my flesh, they stumbled and fell.
3 Though a host should encamp against me, my heart shall not fear: though war should rise against me, in this will I be confident.
4 One thing have I desired of the Lord, that will I seek after; that I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, to behold the beauty of the Lord, and to enquire in his temple.
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